Your task is not to seek for love but to merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~Rumi
I sat with what I've written below for a long while now... It's been over a year since I've written it and I've yet to post it because then it will be out in the open... for everyone to read. To share where I once was, in a dark place. As you'll read later, my fear once again prevented me from this step.
"Have courage" I told myself... take the first step.
As Mel Robbins says 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 GO!
November 8, 2018
Sitting in Starbucks with puffy red eye after hiding in the bathroom to cry.
Why?
I felt stuck. Searching for an escape. Escape from my current dilemma, situation, environment. It's not bad and I need a place and time to be with myself but where? It really did not matter. I just needed just go. All-inclusive, fly to Asia or call up a friend and hide? But... (there's the but that cancels everything that was before it...) I tell myself, what about the workshop I have this week, what about the classes and clients I have scheduled, etc., etc., etc... (In hindsight, does it really matters right now when you are in the middle of one of the biggest decisions of your life?!)
I cried because the emotions became overwhelming, my heart was hurting. As my eyes began to water, I knew this time I won't be able to hold it in. Gathered my laptop and purse and the lady's room I headed. Locked myself in the stall feeling the lows, the emotions and tears running down my face thinking of who I can or should call. Many great friends locally and globally that I can reach out to and then I caught myself. I cannot do this. I cannot cry to a friend in hopes of feeling better and sharing my downs. I cannot feel sorry for myself because I can and have the ability to change. If I do not like what is going on now, I can always change.
I was crying because I felt stuck, I could not see my exit. Or I could not decide on which exit to take.
Some of the options I thought of were hide at a friend's house or cottage, all-inclusive trip for a week, yoga retreat somewhere out of country, one way ticket to Thailand and then figure out me and what I want to do with the life that I have.... I felt lost and alone.
I have always thought of writing again, attempted several times but I think this one is to stay now.
A collection of writing about a millennial female who is trying to figure out life, her relationship, career and journey towards her authentic Self. Peeling back the layers, path of discovery and living her joy.
From the light looking back, I've had quite the year!
Wrote the post above in November 2018.
I was going through a lot of change at that point in time and compounded with feeling lost. There's so much to dissect and teach from the past but that's for another post. For now, I'm giving myself kudos for posting!